Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Further thoughts…

Sometimes I have these moments when I think that I do not allow myself the time to explore and indulge in the emotions associated with this whole cancer thing. I feel that I’m almost wasting the opportunity to truly ‘let go’ and just cry, or give in to a depth of emotion.

At exactly the same time, though, I know that there would be nothing to gain by doing that. It may just make me feel marginally better for a moment, but it wouldn’t change anything – or make me any stronger.

The truth is that I literally don’t know how else to do this, except o just accept the situation, work with it and do what needs to be done.

Maybe I’m just too good at being able to ‘Let it Go’ and work through an emotion quite quickly. Or maybe I just get it quickly and know how to work through this.

In the immediate period after Mum’s death, I was quite fine – because, as much as I knew it was horribly true and was as devastated as my siblings, I also just knew somehow that it was not real. It couldn’t be.

At Mum’s funeral, I told people that I was fine because I was on ‘Planet Not-Real’. (I think I still am in some ways.) One of our elders told me that, no, I was not unable to process it, rather I had processed things and understood that, even as she was gone, Mum lives on in so many ways.

I think I’ve done something similar now too. This is all weird and surreal, but I also completely understand the situation and know what must be done: Move on and up. Climb the mountain. Take each step as needed – and make the journey happen.

I’m not really on ‘Planet Not-Real’, but, rather, in the world of ‘Real – process – and DO.’


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