Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Saturday 20th September

One of my favourite songs is Gloria Estefan’s There’s Always Tomorrow. I think it speaks to the fact that things always seem different, fresh in the morning and also, that I am an eternal optimist. (I think it’s also related to the fact that one tends to feel tired and hungry in the evening and then everything looks different!)

Okay, so this is another morning. We saw the surgeon again yesterday and I will have the lymph node biopsy on Monday under general anaesthetic, as my chest is getting better. I am diligently puffing, nebulising and taking my antibiotics – and avoiding doing even thinking about running and definitely not getting on the dam. This is rather alien to me, but I am conscious that I have to follow the correct path to cure this cancer and the next thing to do is to have the biopsy. I refuse to have anyone operate on me when I’m wheezing so (I’m sure there’s some cool Latin phrase that could fit in here, like QED, or something): get rid of the cold!

It’s still the weirdest thing to actually talk about having cancer. Only sick people have cancer. Okay, I have a cold, but that’s just normal-to-average (especially for this time of year, I think). I’m not sick, though. It’s also so strange for me (especially me, the most squeamish person on earth) to be calmly arranging things for a surgical procedure (don’t know what else to call it, as it’s not actually an operation, but theatre, cutting and an anaesthetic are involved). If I think too much about it, it freaks me out. So (I’m sure there’a another cool Latin saying missing here), I just don’t think about it too much!

I can hear Mum talking in my head at times. She was so very practical and got on with everything. I am very like her in that. It would do absolutely no good to really sit and think about all of this and just get into a state about it. Nothing would actually be gained by even contemplating doing that. Besides, there is SO much to do!

So, literally, life goes on…

Between clearing out Mum and Dad’s house, moving things around in my own house and just doing what must be done ordinarily, there isn’t really any space for contemplating cancer. It is just something else that has to be dealt with in the right way – and everything is in line to do just that.

Busy weekend, here I come!


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