Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 14th September

Today has been a day of ups and downs. What day isn’t, actually? It just seems that today I managed to really experience things quite intensely!

I think that a lot of it has to do  with the mind playing tricks. Or just roaming. Speculating. Fearing.

This is damn scary. I kind of feel a ‘presence’ – which is the cancer. There is something in a part of my body that doesn’t belong there. That’s one thing. Okay. Then comes the problem: it has to be taken out, because it is potentially really dangerous.

Therein lies the rub.

I could go into the realms of “If only…” and “Why?…” and the like. None of that would change anything: I have cancer and that is that. What remains to be done about it is the question.

It’s still a waiting game.  I am discovering that people react differently to this. For me, I am generally okay, but I find that I get quite easily distracted (well, more than usual) by thoughts of what may happen and how it will affect me. Others seem either to be really bothered by the waiting period and the uncertainty. Then, there are those for whom the wait is almost making the whole thing a little non-real, which, I must admit, it is for me too.

I can talk about it. I can make the statement: I have breast cancer, but there is still a sense of unreality about it. It is really kind of surreal, as though I’m talking about someone who is me, but who isn’t.

If only….

The latest thing the universe has thrown at me is a cold. Just sommer like that. It is not possible to have a general anaesthetic when you have a cold or the like. So now there is an added dimension to the waiting game: I have to get rid of this damn cold before they will be able to do anything about the cancer. Oh boy!

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