Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Friday 24th October

Day 18.

The drain is still in and is still working!

Yesterday, I was prodded and examined. Again. I must say, one gets rather used (or resigned) to being the subject of these many tests, consultations and examinations. This was an appointment with the cardiologist, to check that all is in working order before starting chemo.

I think all of us have slight reservations about hearts since the experience with Mum. I must say that I was not concerned about the tests, because I have actually had an ECG this year and the doc reckoned that I have a fit heart! (I should damn well hope so 😉  )

So, all is well and the chemo shall begin.

But then, back to my ‘non-boob’. It has now decided to swell and was going reddish. The doc was worried that it may be developing an infection in the area, so he’s put me on anti-biotics and had some blood tests done.

If there had been sepsis developing, then it would have meant that my body was rejecting the tissue-expander. Then it would have had to be taken out. Today.

Yay, though. There is no sepsis and the ‘non-boob’ is behaving.

It all made me think, though. After consulting the doc (twice) and the Oncology sister (twice) – and tapping into my own wishes and mind, I have reached a decision: this tissue expander must go.

The op is scheduled for 13 November – two weeks after the first chemo and one week before the second (apparently the best time to do something because my immune system will be ready for it before the next chemo).

I can always cancel the op if I want to, but I feel at peace. My body tried to tell me something, which actually spoke to how I have been feeling.

I told the doc that I literally have no argument for a breast reconstruction. The only one is, actually, to look ‘normal’. Define ‘normal’. Maybe my normal is destined to be with only one boob and one ‘non-boob’. So what. If that is what life holds in store for me, then so be it.

I know that I cannot spend the next three months during chemo constantly wondering if there is any possibility of sepsis developing around the tissue expander.

Baseline is that I don’t actually want a piece of silicone in my body forever. If I look strange, or people think I’m weird, then so be it. As my kids remind me often, everyone knows I’m weird anyway!

Besides, there’s always that thing about the Amazons!  😉




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