Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Monday 13th October

It’s funny how things come together. Because we are clearing out Mum’s house, there is a lot of furniture and books (etc) that is coming into our house. This is prompting me to do something about sorting out the rather full space we inhabit and to find places to put things where they will make sense. One thing feeds off another.

I even found the energy (etc) to sort out my own kist because I got some really nice fabric from Mum! Watch this space, I may even begin sewing again, big time!

I am discovering that the main way the operation has affected me is really in levels of tiredness. I sleep longer and sounder these days – possibly because my poor old bod needs time to recover.

I was awake at 5:30 (which is actually late for me) this morning, though, doing breakfast and school lunches etc.

I still can’t drive, which means that Sarah has to be my chauffeur. I am beginning to find this a little more difficult: I hate relying on people and asking others to do things for me. It’s so much easier (and less of an imposition) if I do them myself.

I’m also discovering, though, that I seem to have spent a lot of time in the last number of years working on and off, especially during weekends and that type of thing. Dave and the girls set up my ‘recovery corner’ in the lounge, so I find myself sitting there quite a lot of the time. My computer is here too, so I can work and watch tv, which is what I usually do sitting in the study. It’s rather different and quite fun to be ‘in the body of the kirk’ (as Dad would say) and still do what I have been doing.

It’s not quite so easy to control what I watch, though, with everyone around and the ‘excitement’ of ‘Mum being sick’ having worn off quite a bit. (I even cooked supper last night 🙂 )

I have a new feeling of surrealness (think that’s the right term) now. I have the pain, swelling and scars to prove that there must have been something wrong in my boob. I’m still not ‘sick’, but I do, at least, have battle scars 😉

I also, however, find talking about having cancer surreal in a different way now. I mean, do I still actually have cancer? This is a new kind of twilight world: the lump has been removed (with the whole breast), but we don’t know about the lymph, So, although I had cancer, I may not have it now – but there is still a whole lot of treatment to go through so that it does not come back. Or is completely ousted. Or both.

Today the drain should come out. It leaked in the night and is quite sore, actually. One more thing gone. One more change.

One more step.




  1. Sharon says:

    Read an inreresting article about people’s perception of their “cancer” and how well they recovered. It was suggested that those that perceived their cancer as a ‘once off’ event (like getting a cold), thus open to being fully healed, generally healed better and experienced less negative impact than those who consdered themselves in remission and kept wondering if the cancer was hiding and would return. We don’t consider a cold as the same each time, just that we got another, different cold.

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