Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Tuesday 28th October

Day 22. The drain is still in – through no fault of its own!

It truly is strange how things work out. I have been, to borrow most freely from Afrikaans, ‘huiwering’ over the prospect of having a reconstruction. Well, it seems that my body has made the choice for me.

The area around the tissue expander is behaving very abnormally – swelling and being reddish etc. The doc is not happy, so I will go into hospital today to have it removed.

The doctor said that there is a little man sitting on his shoulder telling him that everything is not normal. Sarah and Carl both expressed the idea that it’s most probably Mum sitting there!

I am not thrilled at the prospect of another op, but knew that this was coming in a few weeks anyway – so it is not really something to be overly distressed about. I will be so relieved to have this discomfort relieved in some way.

I’m pretty sure that pain is to follow and the healing has, effectively, to begin again – but this is how it is meant to be.

This will also mean that I will not be having a reconstruction. I’m sure that there will be a whole lot of adjusting to do, but I will manage. Hell, that has already begun. I can even make jokes about the situation.

The op will also mean that my chemo has to be put off until next week, but that is also as it has to be.

Michael asked a question that spoke to what I have also considered: Seeing as I was not sure about having the tissue expander in, was it possible that my body somehow sensed this and is beginning to reject it?

Insightful person, my son.

It is interesting to think about the relationship between the psyche and the physical. Seems my body has made the final decision about the reconstruction for me.

So I take the next step up the mountain today.




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