Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Monday 24th November

Sometimes I find it difficult to concentrate on what I’m supposed to be writing. I think that’s when the thoughts come crowding in unbidden, even though I can’t actually separate and identify them.

All in the subconscious.

It’s interesting what our minds can get up to. Mostly, I am fine. I get on with what has to be done and work as necessary. Sarah says I am good at compartmentalizing, which I suppose I am. Sometimes, though, I will focus on something like the chemo, that will stress / concern me. I do anticipate Wednesday and Thursday this week and know that I will feel kak. Naturally, this is not a good space to be in.

Fortunately, the ‘bad’ thoughts do not last for long. It’s as though I need to be able to visit those feelings and let them have their moment, then they are over. I still remain fully aware of the idea of the bad moments, but they no longer cause me overt upset.

Subconsciously, though, these things do tend to build.

I am remarkably good at muti-tasking, though, and at moving on. So things happen, moments melt, but life keeps moving forwards. Chemo tomorrow is a bit daunting, but is the next step on this journey. Not all mountains are sweet, pretty, gentle uphills!

And that is what makes life interesting and what builds us as people. Imagine if everything was plain sailing – where would the moments be to show what we’re made of?

I don’t think it’s only in adversity that we show our true worth, though. There is so much that happens in life and so many ways in which we can build and contribute to others that we are constantly showing who we are and how we are made.

Ordinary, simple, everyday life can be as taxing as dealing with a major adversity – depending on the individual, the context and the moment.

We are tested in many, many ways time and time again. And we prove ourselves in as many ways, time and time again. Isn’t that what makes us human?

I am human enough to know that chemo is going to knock me and to not look forward to that.

I am also human enough, though, to know that by simply taking one step at a time through all the mundanity of life, I will find the passage through the bigger things.






Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *