Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 9th November

It’s amazing how we adjust to things. I have been carrying the drain around for the last month (plus) and have been fairly constantly reminded of it when I turned over in bed (often by feeling this really hard thing under my back!). Yesterday I don’t think I really thought about it at all – and last night I just simply slept, as opposed to acknowledging that my attachment was no longer attached!

I suppose that’s why we manage so well with things: we tend to forget much of the more horrible things quite quickly in the business and even mundanity of everyday life.

Sometimes I hate the fact that I’ve had breast cancer. I hate that I have had to have a mastectomy and will never be the same again. I hate that my mouth is now feeling ‘funny’ (as a result of the chemo). I hate that I cannot use my arm properly yet. I hate that I do not have complete feeling under my right arm (yet, I hope). I hate that I have had to have – and still need – chemo.

But the hate is fleeting.

Well, almost.

Possibly it’s more accurate to say that the acknowledgement of those feelings – even indulging in them – is momentary and then it is gone.

I sincerely do not like the thought that I have had this. I also do not like living with the consequences – however, it is not in my nature to dwell on things like that. I also truly believe that it is better for everyone around me – and for me, too, in fact – to take what has happened (and is happening) and work through it. I won’t say, “Make the most of it”, because not everything has a ‘most’ that can be made. However, it certainly is a conscious decision that one can take to choose to dwell on something silly like the unfairness, or not.

All of life is unfair in it’s own way. There are different contexts in which this happens and things that are fair / unfair definitely have greater (and even harsher) consequences and effects in different circumstances. Also, depending on the ‘thing’ that is fair, or not, the effects can be worse / better.

I think I don’t have the energy to even comtemplate dwelling on whether or not this whole situation has been fair or not. Really – it is as it is and there is only one choice: to deal with it, live with what I have to live with; and do what I can to get stronger and get back to (as close to) normal as possible as soon as I can.

Maybe it’s not a matter of ‘fairness’ – I mean, if things are arbitrary, then who can say what is fair and what isn’t?

I certainly am not glad that it is me who is in the is position.

will be eternally grateful, though, that is was not one of my sisters.


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