Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Wednesday 19th November

I did it! I had my head shaved yesterday.

So many people (who know) have told me that my hair will fall out that I have been waiting for it. This does not mean that I was completely focused on it and was trying to pull out my hair every day. It did mean that I was aware of what was happening with my hair, particularly in the last couple of days. When the pain started, then I knew it was about time and then I was constantly gauging how much was coming out.

I said ages ago that, when the proper fall-out started, I was going to shave it all off. I would be far more traumatised by the slow process, particularly if it started coming out in chunks.

So, I took it into my own hands and I now have no hair. Actually, I have so much hair that I am not bald, but kind of have very, very fine stubble. It’s like having velcro on my head.

We take things foregranted, like being able to slide a beanie onto our heads. Well, wait till you have velcro on your head – it’s impossible to slide anything down over it, especially something knitted!

I have had really short hair before, so this is not so much of a shock – however, it is actually interesting just how much of a difference even a few millimetres of hair make to the way you see yourself. I am convinced I looked a whole lot different when I had a number four shave done for the Shavathon. (Maybe I’ve just forgotten how weird I looked then. According to me.)

My head shave has prompted Daynia to begin crocheting caps for me. Yay!

I think we all know that we lose heat through our heads, but we don’t really think about it. To be fair, yesterday was pretty Wintry, so I would have been cold anyway. I have never, ever woken up in the night to put on a beanie because my head is so cold that I cannot sleep, though – as I did last night.

There’s another first for me because of this cancer 🙂

My one consolation is that I don’t have to look at myself if I don’t want to. It’s quite a surprise to catch myself in a reflection, though. I think our brains filter out certain things and then the reality catches us and says, “Ja! This is so!”

And so it is. For me, the new reality is no hair.

Presumably this will last for  the next couple of months. Well, what the hell, just another step!




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