Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Saturday 20th December

We have now been in Sedge for 24 hours or more and it really feels as though we’ve been here forever 🙂

In this case, familiarity does not breed contempt, but makes things comfortable. It still feels so strange not having Mum here. And wrong. So very wrong.

I keep thinking that I want things to be normal. For me, this means being able to go for a run when I feel like it, not feeling nauseous most of the time and not having this horrible taste in my mouth constantly. It also means having Mum here reminding us to separate the rubbish for recycling and just being herself.

That’s not normal anymore, though.

What is normal now is not what it was last year and not, in fact, what it will be next year. We have to adjust to different circumstances all the time. This year, the adjustments are huge. Next year, they may not be quite so bad.

There just seem to be just too many adjustments at one time, though. Sometimes I feel that I need to move on from the ‘I miss Mum so much’ and ‘I don’t like this cancer thing’ perspective.

The truth is that I will never, ever stop missing Mum. I will get over the cancer thing, but it will colour my life forever, as I will always have to be on a strict regime of mammograms and just being aware of the threat of cancer.

I do know, though, that everything is a process. I need to be able to work through my whole process of grieving over Mum. I need to be able to think about her, to write about her, to talk about her. And how I feel missing her. I also need to work through this cancer thing as it happens to me.

Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed by the effects of the chemo. Sometimes I even need to indulge in these feelings. Those moments don’t seem to last that long, though. I think it’s just part of the process of healing, to be able to express how I feel.

So, I will go on missing Mum this holiday and wish she was with us. I will miss Dad too, as usual. I will also continue to not enjoy the effects of the chemo. I may even get bogged down in the moment at times.

But I will get through it. With Mum and Dad’s constant presence, especially here at Sedge.

This time of year is all about family and being together.

That is normal.

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