Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 28th December

Everybody has a different tolerance level. With a few exceptions, my level for most things seems to be quite high. We all have our breaking point, though. Even I can think, “Enough is enough”, though. Even I can get to the point when there are certain things I just don’t need to hear again.

Everyone seems to be hung up on what, and how much, I eat. If I had one wish at the moment, I don’t honestly think I’d make this one (there is so much more to wish for in the world), but I do know that I would dearly love it if everyone would just back off from my diet! It’s enough to make any one a bit paranoid about what goes into their mouth. With me, perverse thing that I am, I will react by changing everything and genuinely eating very little!

The thing is that I do know that the interest comes out of love and concern. I am the one who has to live with the digestive issues from eating too much, or the wrong type of stuff that doesn’t agree with my sensitive constitution, though, so I should be the one making the choices about what goes into my mouth – with the support of those around me!

I generally am sensible 😉

The way I have approached this cancer thing is to take all the advice of various experts and to accept all kinds of support from many people around me so that it could be treated in the best possible way. Ultimately, though, the choice has had to be mine. After all, at the risk of sounding selfish, this is about me. Mostly, I have simply chosen to follow the expert advice – after all, this is what these people do! However, through the whole process, I have felt very ‘out of it’ at times and very concerned and upset that I have not been able to ‘be myself’. It is important to me to control what I can. (Control freak that I am.)

It is also perfectly reasonable to understand that, seeing as I am the one living in it, I actually know what is most comfortable for my body.

So the choices of what goes into my mouth should be mine J

To be completely honest, I don’t completely mind the comments being made – I just wish they could be once and then left alone ;(

It’s all about balance, I suppose. I want people to show the interest, of course I do (who doesn’t want the support of others, especially under adverse circumstances), but I don’t want to feel smothered and become paranoid about this damn eating thing.

Maybe it’s just all a way to make sure that my hide grows even thicker J

Whenever we were sick, apart from saying, “Sorry to hear it” in a remarkably throw-away tone, Dad would feed us. I can imagine him watching and saying, “Binky, you need to put some meat on those bones.”

I know, Dad, and I do. I just need to not have to deal with digestive issues as well as all the other side-effects if I can help it!

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