Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Thursday 18th December

Here I sit on the stoep of the Oncology centre, having a picnic with the family. Chemo treatment 3 is underway.

It’s amazing how perspectives can change. This time last week, I was feeling sick even thinking about the chemo and I was really not looking forward to either having the treatment or the after-effects. In fact, I was getting downright nervous.

Who would have thought that, merely a week later, I would be almost begging to have the chemo.

What changes we are capable of!

This morning, when I woke up, I was a mixture of nerves and good feelings, about which I felt a little trepidatious. I was almost worried to feel positive in case I jinxed the whole thing. Then, on the way to chemo, I began feeling really nervous. I’ve been very good about resting for the last few days and taking my cortisone religiously and I really did feel that it would all be okay. I didn’t know for sure, though.

It seemed to take forever for things to happen today. All the while, I was sure it was going to happen, but was not going to say anything to anyone until I was actually hooked up. Then the doc came through and gave me a thumbs up. That was the definite signal. I sent out the message saying, “It’s a go!”

Whoever would have thought that I would welcome the needle piercing my flesh.

Now that it is nearly half way through, I am beginning to feel a bit concerned about having to deal with the after effects. I don’t want to feel nauseous etc etc, especially on a really long journey.  If I have to, though, that’s how it goes.

At least I am finally, officially just over half way through the treatment. 🙂

I think this whole experience was simply designed to make me appreciate chemo 😉

Things are as they are and we do what we have to do. Seriously, sometimes we may just need a change in perspective to help us to see the benefits of what we can only see negatively. Chemo is kak. At least, the side effects are – especially if you are like me and seem to have just about all of them and worse than most people.

I am alone in this  because I am the one getting shot full of the drugs and having to deal with the side effects. But I am completely not alone, because of the support and love of those around me.

The family constantly surround me with love, support and song! According to the girls: “Dani is awesum and Sarah. They both sing so lekka!”

Dave has sent me messages from Vietnam that have brought tears to my eyes. Mike keeps giving me hugs and Paul is just always there!

Carl sends messages from wherever he is and my sisters are online too. And, of course, Mum and Dad are sitting on my shoulders 🙂

There is a saying that goes something like ‘The whole is greater than the sum of all its parts’. In this case, I can be as strong as I am because of my nature, because of my heritage from Mum and Dad and because of all the parts that make up my whole.

I am most directly affected, but I will never be alone.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *