Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Thursday 4th December

In the true spirit of everything that has happened this year, just as I am getting kind of used to low grade nausea (which has lasted almost twice as long as last time 🙁 ) and this constant feeling of being drained (and vaguely exhausted); and just as we are getting used to the idea that 55 is really going to be gone soon, but there is still a lot to do, we heard today that the transfer will go through tomorrow and there is a need for a last-minute rush and full effort to get everything else out of there.

And to finally have to walk away.

Therein lies all the hurt. And the horrible truth for the future.

I can honestly not even begin to imagine a life without 55 to go to whenever I feel like it. Give me 7 months ago, though, and I would have been unable to imagine a world without Mum in it. So much hurt, so much sadness. I truly hope that the new owner is a really lovely guy and he has many, many happy years in the place that was our family home for so long.

54ish years. More than a lifetime.

It is amazing, though, how quickly we do adjust and get used to things.

Except being nauseous and feeling inadequate, that I will not get used to. 😉

Having no hair, though – that I am quite used to, which is so weird, me who has so much hair and everything.

What is so strange, though, is that I will walk past a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself and get a bit of a surprise, because I kind of have forgotten that I have no hair 🙂

I also can’t really be bothered to cover my head all the time. It gets so damn hot, for one thing. Also, why do I need to just to make everyone else feel okay – if they think having no hair is a bit weird, that is. It is, after all, my head.

I am becoming very diligent about smearing, literally, my whole head with sun ‘stuff’. The last thing I would want to have, on top of everything else (no pun…), is a sunburned scalp!

We have horrible things that happen to us. We adapt.

There will be a life without 55. It will be horrible for I don’t know how long. But it will be.

And, after a while, it will get better.




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