Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Tuesday 23rd December

Life is about so many different things that just have to be done – at least, usually:  places to be, people to see, shopping that has to be done, meals that have to be cooked. Time is something that is understood in terms of how long an activity will take, or can be allowed to take, depending on the other demands.

Then come holidays and time takes on a whole new meaning.

For those of us lucky enough to get away from ‘it all’, being on holiday is not only about a whole new way of using time, or of looking at time, it is also about doing things out of choice, not necessity, simply for the sake / fun of it. Of course, we still have to do boring things like cook and eat (forgive me, those who see cooking and food in a different light – me, I definitely eat to live and not vice versa!), but the wonderful thing about truly being able to do things at the pace they seem to want to be done and don’t need to be done means that we are really, really on holiday.

It seems, maybe, that chemo is like this too.

When I had the first chemo, I spent the first two days getting up early to make breakfast and to make sure that Dani and Michael got off to school okay. Then there was work to do, school lifts to facilitate (with Sarah driving) and supper to cook. The tunnel was long and seemed overwhelming then.

Now, with this chemo, I don’t have to get up very early, so I sleep as long as my body seems to think I should. I don’t have to be anywhere specific, except, maybe, on the beach, so I am not rushing around. I drive if I want to. I run if I feel like it. I paddled yesterday because I could.

And the tunnel seems to be much more manageable.

The taste in my mouth is horrible and will not go away for a while, I think. At least, experience tells me this. I still have no hair. (Never, ever take this wonderful attribute for-granted. It really is a most amenable thing to have on your head!)  I still get nauseous.

It doesn ‘t feel so bad, though, and I think that being on holiday is largely to ‘blame’.

And being in Sedge.

We all need time to heal. Maybe this is just my time – of which I have plenty to do just that right now.

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