Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Wednesday 17th December

I am becoming more-and-more convinced that my life is informed by lyrics from musicals.

Sarah actually commented the other day that it would be so much easier if our lives had a musical soundtrack. It would help us to know what to expect, that’s for sure, if we had a musical score speaking to our emotions and even reason.

I’m not sure that I’d always like to know what is going to happen to me.

I do know that I find that phrases, or parts of songs tend to come to mind at times.

Right now it is a lyric of a song in Evita that goes: “Distance lends enchantment.” I’m not entirely sure that this is completely appropriate for how I feel right now, but there is something about it that rings in my head. It is something about the idea of distance and time giving a different understanding and view on things.

Over the last couple of days, I have come to accept the dip in the path up the mountain that happened this week with the chemo. Why not, though? This has not exactly been a straightforward journey, there have been plenty of dips and delays along the way so far  – and I have dealt with each one of them. It was just that there was so much anticipation associated with this week and getting to Sedge that it feels as though it has been the worse crevasse to cross of all.

Maybe life just needs to remind as that we are only human after all and can fall victim of a whole lot of different things. Here, of course, another song has to come to mind. This is not from a musical, though. It’s a Billy Joel song called You’re only human. 

Again, I’m not sure that the song itself is entirely appropriate, but there are some lines that seem to tell me something: “You’re gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again / It’s alright, it’s alright…hold on / Till that old second wind comes along.”

I don’t know if I have got a second wind, or if I have just become more philosophic and accepting over the last few days. I do know, though, that I face chemo tomorrow with little trepidation and a high degree of acceptance.

IF, worst case scenario, my white blood cell level is still too low, I will deal with it. I even have a plan B and C 😉

I know it will all be alright, though.

I think I am becoming much more philosophic generally. Part of this may be because I have just been reading a novel drawing off a world with Buddhist philosophy. I can’t claim to know a lot or to understand everything. I don’t even know if everything in the book is accurate. What has come across strongly, though, is that there is a plan and we need to channel positive energy and strong thoughts to wards a goal we may have. This does not mean that we will get everything we want and the universe will definitely test us. I do know, though, that learning to accept and to follow the path is necessary in so much of what we do.

I also know that the doctor is absolutely right: managing my treatment the best possible is the way it has to be.

What is paramount, though, is that I am the one who really knows what I need, overall. I take the medical advice from the experts, because that is what they do and why we go to them. I understand myself best, though, and know what, on top of the medical input, I need to get completely better.

And I will make sure that the path ahead is the best for me and those around me. So much of my wellness and content in life is wrapped up in those closest to me. I cannot be whole if I know they are suffering, so I will continue to do what I can to alleviate that as much as possible.

It is just who I am.



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