Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Wednesday 24th December

I am beginning to dread any communication from our neighbour. It seems as though anything that can go wrong is going to…

This time it was that there is evidence of the electricity having been turned off at the mains on the road. This is a ploy by unscrupulous beings to check if anyone is actually home. If the electricity is not turned on after a day or two, they know they can break in. This is what happened to us a couple of years ago.

What the hell…?!

I suppose in this year of all years, I should expect no less. I do wish, though, that the issues could stop. I have really have enough this year to last a lifetime!

The side effects of the chemo are also beginning to annoy me.

I made such a great analogy this morning – at least,  I thought it was brilliant. I get this really horrible taste in my mouth and everything tastes kak. The analogy was that it feels as though I have suntan lotion coating the inside of my mouth. That is what it tastes like too L

That was just the beginning today. At least, when the day dawned. I had a horrible night. I’m not sure if my sore stomach was because of the chemo, or because of what I had eaten yesterday, or just me sensitive constitution! I still don’t know, but having a sore stomach that kept me awake last night and feeling distinctly digestively uncomfortable is not fun.

Tomorrow is Christmas. We have spent most of this evening in a frenzy of wrapping, which is still not over. It makes me think of Mum, again. She was always so good at organizing herself so that the wrapping was finished quite a long time before Christmas Day. Not me. The girls and I have been finishing the actual presents in the last hour. (We make our own Christmas presents every year.)

Tomorrow will be familiar and wonderful, with the family and fun and festivities.

It will also be horrible, without Mum for the first time ever.

I’m finding being here upsetting, but also okay at the same time. Sedgefield is not only about Mum and Dad for me, as we have been here without them a few times. I was also here in July with Sarah and Mike. For Carl, though, it must be horrible, as he has never been here without, at least, Mum. And he was here when Dad died.

Sad, sad memories.

I wish so much it could be as it always was, with Dad sitting in his corner, collecting his ‘loot’ and Mum being ‘Mother Christmas’. But it won’t be . It can’t be.

The rest of us will be together, though and we will keep the memories and traditions alive just as Mum and Dad would have played them out.

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