Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Friday 16th January

A week after the last chemo.

This sounds so ungrateful, or something, to say, but the fact that it was the last chemo does not make it any better right now. In fact, if anyone points out to me that, at least, the actual chemos are over, I might just platz!

I am so very, very grateful that I don’t have to be kicked to the mat again (so to speak), but I do feel very down and out at the moment. In many ways. I told Carl that the ‘chemo taste’ in my mouth was getting better. Well, I take that back. It’s not. And my mouth is starting to get more and more sensitive.

There is a different mouthwash concoction that the doc gave me – in fact, that I had to have made up for me – but I simply cannot use it. It tastes very medicinal, but has the most horrible after-taste. It’s worse than the chemo taste. If that’s possible.

I am starting to really want to adopt the ‘if I don’t think about, it will (seem to) go away’ attitude more-and-more. But it doesn’t work so well all the time.

The Water Polo coach at Parktown has asked me to facilitate doing a session with Canoe Polo with the girls at a clinic they are having this weekend – just for the fun of it and to be exposed to another sport. Of course, I said yes. It emerges that the dam is being used by the Scouts, though, so I volunteered to take other boats to the school and do it on the pool.

Right now that seems like a very time-consuming and daunting process. Having said yes, though…

Maybe the whole thing will serve to simply distract me!

The girls and I went for a walk to the Spar this evening. Beautiful evening after every drop of water in any heaven descended on us around lunchtime. I always find walking like that re-affirming and about the world around us and the beauty.

Another distraction.

The biggest distraction today was that Mike came back from his Grade 8 camp. Finally. (After 3 days 😉 ) It’s always so weird having one of the family away. The whole dynamic in the house changes and the atmosphere is just not the same. Now he’s back and all is well again.

That’s what really matters. Not the taste in my mouth; not this persistent nausea (I can do with never being nauseous ever again); not my raw palate and tongue; not the feeling of drying out from the inside. They will all go.

And it was the last chemo. And I will get better. Eventually.

It just feels very, very long at times.

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