Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Saturday 17th January

I am now in the mood to be convinced that I am never going to actually be rid of this chemo taste in my mouth. I know this is not actually possible and that this will all come to an end, but that is just how it feels at the moment.

I guess the ‘ignore and it will go away’ approach does not work that well.

I can vouch for the fact that it is absolutely no use sitting around feeling sorry for myself and bemoaning the side effects and how they seem to be getting worse. Before they get better. (There is always that edge.)

I got to the point today where my mouth was so sore and the taste just so kak, that I was desperate to suck something to take it away, but couldn’t because of the sensitivity of my palate and my tongue. It could have been overwhelming, but allowing stupid physical discomforts to overwhelm us is completely unproductive and won’t make them go away.

I didn’t think I could make the mouth situation any worse. But I managed

Out of desperation, I decided to try the doc’s mouthwash again – without shaking it, as the ‘sandy’ horrible aftertaste seems to be from only some of the ingredients. So, I dutifully used a bit and washed my mouth out. The sandiness was not there, but I can still taste the horrible taste that comes from the bottle. I have managed to exacerbate the horrible taste in my mouth. Now I have the ‘chemo taste’ as well as the ‘horrible muthi’ taste. Together.

All this is, of course, exacerbated by the fact that I am a mouth breather – so every single breath I take tastes terrible. Yay. 🙁

We did the polo thing today at Parktown and, although it was exhausting, it was the greatest fun. There are still those moments when I just know why I am an educator.

The girls loved it; Dani and Sarah, who did it with me, had fun; and, I think, we recruited some people to at least try out polo more seriously. A good day.

I feel as though I am in some sort of tunnel. The only relief I get from this taste is when I sleep. Even then, the mouth breathing thing is not good.

I still don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, although I know it is there. I suppose the only way is forward – I certainly do not want to go back!

As horrible as it is, aren’t I lucky that there is a new, good (hopefully pleasant-tasting) world out there?

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