Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 11th January

I have various favourite sayings that just seem to characterise my life. One of these is “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I don’t know if I was on the road to hell today, but it just became a day of good intentions not being seen through, because I was so exhausted and generally feeling kak – well, in the morning, at least.

I suppose I’m allowed to feel like that.

On the other hand, all I want is to feel like myself again. At least I know that the next few weeks are leading to that feeling returning. I don’t know how long it will take, but history has proven that I do feel very much more like my usual self after 3 or so weeks, so here’s hoping. J

After just over 4 months of this cancer thing I’m not completely sure what ‘my usual self’ is. I think humans are quite adaptable, but also should try to not be too complacent. We shouldn’t just accept what becomes a new reality if we are not happy with it. We should also perhaps, not fight too vehemently at times.

I don’t think I have fought being ‘not myself’ over the last little while too much: I have been fairly diligent about getting more rest, taking my medication and generally ‘listening to my body’ as advised by all and sundry. I have also been quite frustrated, though, that I have not been able to do what I would normally do and be as active and helpful as I wanted to be.  I have learnt, though, to go with the flow quite a bit and to let things happen that must happen.

It does get frustrating and annoying, though, and I want to be able to do so much more.

All in good time, is true, but, when your livelihood literally depends on you actually producing work, the whole thing can be a little annoying and upsetting – especially at this time of year, when resources are low and we have just come back from a lovely holiday 😉

Still, we battle on…

We went to Pretoria today to help David to settle into the room in his digs. A new adventure is about to begin – for him, especially, but also for all of us, considering the constant feedback and the investment we all have in each other’s lives. Part of being a family!

A new year and new adventures.

In two days, Michael begins high school. For the first time in 17 years, we won’t have to cross Beyers in the morning. In fact, I basically won’t have to do an early school lift. What a change!

That’s what makes life interesting, I suppose: those little and constant changes, mixed with the large ones that come at us out of left field. We deal with them all as well as we can and make the most of everything we have.

Good intentions or not, we have to make a plan and try to stick to it. Things do get in the way at times, though. Still, the road continues and we follow it as best we can.

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