Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 25th January

Today has been one of those days that starts off completely clear and HOT  and ends cloudy, stormy, dark and a little chilly.

It’s kind of hard to think of this being the same day, as the changes in weather seem to have been so extreme.

I think life can be like that. We can experience one emotion in a particular place and, usually, about a certain set of circumstances, then, not so very long later, we can be feeling the complete opposite. Makes us all feel a little schizophrenic at times, I think. Really, though, it’s all about how life affects us as it happens.

I find that I will go into great slumps, usually linked to how much I miss Mum.

I seem to be feeling very selfish about that at the moment. I just can’t help thinking that this whole cancer thing would have been so very much easier if I had had her here through it. She was always my rock and my adviser, not only about things medical. I feel as though there have been a lot of circumstances and decisions in the last little while that just needed her input.

Ironically, or tragically, some of the major decisions have been directly linked to Mum’s passing.

I would just love to have her to talk to. So would we all – my siblings, all the grandchildren and the sons-in-law.

It’s hard to lose anyone, but to have lost her, who was so integrally involved with all of us and so very, very wise and sympathetic and just plain sensible has been so terribly difficult.

I miss my mum.

In some ways it seems strange to me that at this stage, nearing the end of everything medical and invasive, I seem to be thinking back on what has happened and the impact it has had on me. I think a lot of it is about the time of year. This is the time to be throwing oneself into the new year with new energies and to be enjoying the challenges. And working with enthusiasm.

I just feel so tired a lot of the time. I know that it is still the side-effects of the chemo, while my body is getting stronger and building up to where it was before. I also know that the emotional toll of pretty much the whole of last year will take a while to stop hitting me. It’s sad to me, though, that I don’t face things all the time with a great deal of enthusiasm and energy because of everything that’s happened. I feel that I am missing something and need to go and find it somewhere. At the same time, though, I know it is inside me. It’s still there, but has just been hammered quite a lot lately and needs time to heal properly itself.

I will ‘come back’ completely, I know that. Sometimes it feels like a really, really long, hard road.

But I plod. I take the ups and downs. And I keep going. I tackle each moment of this mountain.

There really is no other way.

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