Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 4th January

Change is not an easy thing to have to deal with.  Yet, it is the one thing of which we can be assured.

There are sayings and ‘wisdoms’ that draw attention to how important change is in our lives. Ironically, it is one of the only constants in life. Perhaps the only constant.

The beginning of a year tends to be a time when we all actually expect changes to take place, almost automatically. We reflect on the past year and make resolutions for the new year that are supposed to change our lives in some way. Somehow, it seems as though we think that, as the old year ends, so are we rid of everything bad that may have followed us from the year.

Life is not like that, though. It is sometimes a case of, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” The end of the year comes, but, even as the date changes, life simply carries on, with a lot of the good and the bad.

As far as the cancer thing is concerned, the dates are continuous. It may be a new year, but I can leave nothing behind me. The last chemo is still to come, with all the usual side effects. With the cumulative effects of the last three chemos adding to the aftermath of the next one, the recovery may very well be unpleasant to say the least. What’s new, though? 😉

Then there is the whole follow on from the chemo and what must happen next in this process. This will be a whole new stage of the cancer journey, but will also simply be a follow-on of what happened last year.

Then, of course, there is no escaping the after-effects of the operations. I can still not feel anything under my right arm, or around the mastectomy site. I believe this feeling will come back eventually, but also that the whole area will become hyper-sensitive before it settles. Changes, but just another stage in the same process.

If only we could leave the bad behind.

We also have to continue to deal with having lost Mum. That will never change, no matter how many new years come and go from now on. The only thing is that this time next year, we will have gone through the whole ‘year of firsts’ without her.

I don’t know that I will ever stop missing her. I don’t see how I can.

Tonight, I was thinking about 55 and what the new owner may have done and I genuinely didn’t understand why there is a new owner, because Mum must still be there. Part of me will never accept that she has gone. How could she have, really? Why did she go so damn soon?

Her loss is such a huge change in our lives that it still resonates hugely.

So much, so many changes from the last year. Maybe we will get used to them. Maybe not. That things will change again and again is the only real certainty.

I could just do with the changes being simple and very, very ordinary.

At least, for a while.

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