Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Friday 13th February

I sent a message to a colleague of mine saying I hoped he felt better today after being sick yesterday. His answer was that he is not quite there, but getting better.

That’s me: not quite there, but definitely getting better.

The taste is not quite so bad today. It is still somewhere vaguely there and my mouth is a little raw, but it is all definitely getting better. Slowly.

My hair is also growing steadily – white and seems to be much finer than usual, but it is there and we shall see what it does. I may just end up with white hair and dark roots one of these days. May even set a trend 😉

I am so glad that I am feeling so much better today, because emotionally this isbeginning to be a difficult weekend. We begin the pilgrimage to the farm today for the scattering of Mum’s ashes on Sunday. It all seems so surreal. Even putting it in writing does not make it completely real for me. I simply cannot believe any of this, on one level.

I know it’s true, though, and after nearly 9 months, the last evidence of Mum’s corporeal remains will be scattered where we scattered Dad’s ashes getting on for 5 years ago. The spot is beautiful and a place they both loved – on the farm that means so much to all of us.

It will be lovely being at the farm with the whole family, but it will also be hard. Every time we go there, there are so many memories of so many visits with Mum and Dad. It’s never quite easy. This weekend will be especially hard. But we will all be there together, which will make it much easier to bear.

The place is beautiful. The weather is beautiful. The time will be so sad.

I don’t anticipate any real sense of closure for me, or a great sense of, ‘Okay, so it is real.’ This is the next thing we will do now that Mum has gone, but it will not make missing her any less, or the hurt of having lost her any easier to live with.

The one thing I do know, though, is that we all have her with us all the time – through everything. She has been with me through this cancer thing and I know she still is. She would be so happy that my hair is growing again. I won’t look ‘awful’ anymore. J

As we scatter the ashes, we will lay part of her to rest. Most of her we carry with us all the time, though. Forever.

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