Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 8th February

I am slowly coming to accept how it is I have to behave and do things, as I really do recover from this whole cancer thing. Sounds strange, so far along the journey, but that’s how I seem to be dealing with it.

I won’t play Canoe Polo this year, because of the damage to my muscles and the time they need to take to recover. This has been quite a hard thing for me to come to own, because I really would like to – and playing is part of what I consider to be the ‘usual’ me. I’m not staying off the water, but have been paddling a long boat quite regularly in the last couple of weeks. Today I even managed to do 4 kms 🙂

I am so concerned of feeling like a wus – and even being perceived to be one. I think I need to come to a different understanding of things, though, which, funnily enough is what mostly everyone else seems to understand already, it’s just me who has had to make this ‘leap’.

The understanding is that this was a helluva big operation (or three) and that there has been a lot of disruption to my anatomy and, particularly, to the muscles on my right side. This all takes time to heal. On top of that, I have been assaulted by a very strong drug. (Apparently the most that is given of the Red Devil and its compatriot is four treatments because it is so aggressive.)

So, there I am, having to deal with all of this and finally understanding, or accepting, that it really is a matter of time.

I haven’t been in denial. If anyone knows what the effects of this whole process have been, it is me. I think the main problem is that, through everything, I haven’t actually been sick – I have simply been assaulted on a number of fronts because of the cancer and this has been weird to deal with.

But that’s what I’ve been doing and will continue to do.

Mountains are there to be climbed. Although the huge challenges of this one are over, the ascent definitely is not. I’m still not sure where the top is. Perhaps I will never actually reach a point where the descent begins, just a new plateau along which my path then travels. Perhaps I am there already and merely adjusting to the new oxygen levels and the new terrain.

Often one mustn’t so avidly seek the destination, but make the most of the journey, even with its ups and downs.

This particular journey may not be all fun. It has been interesting so far, though, and has opened me up to so much.

So, I guess I will continue on the path, listening to my body (as advised so many times 🙂 ) and taking each step as it happens.

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