Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Thursday 12th February

The closer I get to being finally rid of the effects of my treatment, the more I seem to be aware of exactly how much has happened to me in the last few months. And to feel Mum’s loss so intensely.

I think it’s just a build up of everything that has gone before and the process now of kind of waiting, waiting to be better.

In the few days after the first chemo, I felt as though I was at the bottom of a deep well of nausea and kak and there was no way out. Even worse, though, was that I was going to have to go through all of that 3 more times. Voluntarily. Well, mostly.

Today, I was thinking about chemo and sitting there with the drip in, knowing that the taste was to come just as the Red Devil hit my blood, feeling the trepidation of having to be nauseous and have the taste in my mouth for what seemed like forever and I felt a kind of ‘I don’t want to ever go back there’ feeling. It really was horrible, actually.

Living through it, never really leaving the bottom of the well, even though it got lighter and broadened a little, was really not a very lovely experience. I don’t recommend it to anyone.

I am reminded of the chemo sister telling me, more than once, how she takes her hat off to anyone who sits in the chair and gets the medication fed into their blood.

I agree. It’s not a small thing to have to do.

And yet, in some kind of strange way, I feel thankful that I went through it, because I know it has helped to make / keep me better and has helped me beat the cancer. Even though the treatment has battered me around a bit and has made me sick when I was perfectly fine – well, except for a little thing called cancer – it has been for the best and I actually welcome it simply because of the good it has done.

So we can come to love what it is we hate.

Although the last four months have been pretty kak in many ways, I would not swop any part of them. I could not help the cancer – it chose me – but everything that has happened since then has been part of the ‘getting rid of’ process and has been the best for me, even if the effects have been horrible in so many ways – and are still being so.

The taste has been back today, stronger than ever. And my mouth is getting a bit raw again.

Oh, yay. L

It would be very easy to dwell on the negative and the horrible side of the whole thing. How unproductive, though. And how much energy would be used pretty much for nothing.

The bad was quite very horrible, it is true. But it was all also for the best, so, in some strange way, that makes the bad good.

And I am thankful for all of that.

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