Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Tuesday 10th February

I would hate to jinx anything by drawing attention to it, but here goes anyway…

It seems to me as though I have turned a real corner. For the last two days, I have noticed that, although I have been tired, it has not been the horrible, gutting, feeling squashed from inside exhaustion that has plagued me for the last three months.

Maybe, just maybe the Red Devil is finally loosening its hold J

It’s one of those cases when you don’t know how bad you were feeling until you feel better. I still sleep more than I used to. I still get very tired in the evening. There is something different, though, and it feels as though I am that much closer to being completely well.

Until I start taking the hormone tablets, that is. At least, I hope not. There is no reason that they will affect me adversely, but you never know. Considering the amount of side effects I had from chemo, I am pretty convinced that, if there are any side effects from this medication, I will get them. That’s just how it goes.

It’s amazing how accepting one can become when there is no other choice. I suppose I do have some choices about the treatment and one of them could be to choose not to take the hormone treatment for the five years. In fact, I know someone who did just that. I think, though, that, if the expert prescribed the particular medication, then that is how it must be. The whole point is for the doc to make sure I get completely better from this cancer thing, so that’s how it is.

In other parts of my life, though, I do have lots of choices, so I don’t feel completely out of control J

I suppose the greatest choice we have is how to go about facing things. I’ve said from the beginning that I only know one way of doing this cancer thing and that’s to forge ahead, making the most of everything along the way. I suppose that is a choice that I made, even though I didn’t consciously set out to do so.

Sometimes I feel bogged down by the ‘adult thing’ – being responsible for so much; working to make money; always thinking about what has to be done and how to do it. That’s just my role in life, I suppose, but it doesn’t mean it has to be a burden.

I can learn a lot of lessons from my experiences with this cancer journey, in fact from a lot of things that happened last year. There is so much that we cannot predict. Things happen that change everything completely – and yet, nothing changes at all. Life goes on with all its demands and moments of glory. We have to learn to take what comes and run with it, despite what may have happened in the interim. Adapting as the flow goes is partly what it’s all about. And making the most of the ride as we are taken along.

There are moments when we can stick out an oar and make a change. There are also obstacles that will alter the flow as we go along. All of them make up the journey and we need to ride the waves. So it’s been with the cancer journey and so it goes with life.

Navigating the flow is sometimes not easy, but it’s always doable, as long as we always strive to keep our heads above water.

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