Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Tuesday 24th February

Sometimes I feel as though I am trapped in a ‘three steps forward, two steps back’ kind of reality.

I so want to get better. I know that I am doing so, every day, but it just feels as though there are certain things that just don’t go anywhere. I have had the chemo taste for the last three days solid. It gets worse during the day. I don’t know why and I thought it would start going by now. I also find myself saying, “I’m so tired” often lately. And I am – or, at least, I get so tired

I feel as though I am trapped in this cycle. Also, the area immediately behind my right arm, which has been swollen and puffy since the operations, just doesn’t seem to be getting any better. In fact, it seems to be worse every-so-often.

I have learnt a lot about patience from this cancer thing. I’ve had to. Patience has never been my strong suit, though, and I so wish that things would really be moving towards the healing.

Then, of course, there is the whole thought that everything just takes time. The cancer has been treated as it should have been, for which I am eternally grateful. All of these lingering symptoms and discomforts are a result of that treatment. The actual threat of the disease/condition has been removed and what I’m feeling now is the fallout. The oncologist said it can take up to 4 months for the side-effects of the chemo to let up. It’s only been about 2,5 months, to there is a while to go.

I will simply have to battle on. 🙂

There is, of course, also the upset I feel every-so-often about the mastectomy site and the unhappiness about having to live like this forever. Although it happens, it doesn’t last long and is, I’m sure, part of the process of acceptance.

I don’t resent only having one boob. In fact, in many ways it is like having a battle scar. It just seems to be huge sometimes.

But it’s okay, though. It’ll all be okay.

There’s so much else to look at and to think about, so much else in the world that is wonderful.

We tend, I think, to get bogged down sometimes with what is affecting us at the time and must remember to look up and not to miss what else is around us. I don’t think I get bogged down for too long. I appreciate so much of what I have. Through the cancer thing, I have found myself looking at things a little differently, just because I can. I have also found myself understanding things a little more deeply. And appreciating so much more.

Any journey can be difficult. Any process can be challenging. The trick is to take the lessons from it and to move on with those. And never, ever to forget what it is about life that the journey helps us to find – in ourselves, in others and in the world.

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