Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Wednesday 4th February

Compared to the few things I’ve been through and experienced in the last few months, the trouble with my eyes seems very minor. Yet, it is the thing that is about to reduce me to tears because it just seems to be too much.

I think this is linked to the fact that most of my work is in front of a computer and my eyes are, naturally, important. Along with the fact that I have trouble seeing some print etc (because of presbyopia and myopia – ‘old-age eyes’ and ‘short-sightedness) combined, this all makes me feel very overwhelmed at times. It may be like the final straw kind of scenario. I think part of it is also that this is all supposed to be getting better now, so why are my eyes such a problem? L

Everything has its moment, though, and this too shall pass. It’s just negotiating the time until that happens that is a bit difficult at times.

Still, I’ve come this far, surely sore, scratchy, burning eyes is simply just another hurdle to overcome?

In some ways I feel as though I have been cheated. The last chemo was nearly four weeks ago. Surely, by now, the ‘getting better’ should be more tangible? Then, of course, I am reminded that the chemo drugs are strong drugs and that the effect is cumulative. I just so want to be fine again.

I am beginning to realise, though, that it is going to take a long time before my muscles are completely rehabilitated from the operations, never mind my poor old body getting over the effects of the chemo.

Being ‘fine’ again seems like such a long way off.

I am so bad at working through things that require patience and repetition. I get distracted and forget to do certain things, or I get impatient and want things to work properly. I just don’t seem to be able to take the time to do what should be done, some of the time.

I suppose that I feel that I’ve been so patient and sensible and good over the last nearly 5 months, that it is time to get over this all now. What I mustn’t forget is that the operations were big and invaded my armpit and chest, messing up muscles and nerves and generally causing damage. This is not something you get over lightly.

Of course, if all I wanted was to achieve the ability to sit quietly and ‘sew a fine seam’ (or the like), then I would be fine. I think I passed that milestone long ago. But no, I don’t want to simply be well and strong enough to do certain things. I want to be able to go running and paddling when I want to, as far as I want to and for as long as I want to. I want to not feel sore somewhere and everywhere. I want to be fit and healthy, not feel fat and tired, tired, tired all the time.

I don’t want much. 😉

This was a helluva op (at least, ops), which is still no doubt having an effect on my body. Then, on top of that, was the chemo.

My body needs time to heal. I have to learn to give it that.

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