Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Friday 24th April

We were just finishing the second workshop today, when I noticed the discomfort and even a bit of pain under my right arm (in the usual place). It suddenly made me realise that I hadn’t actually really been aware of the whole site and the discomfort for the past two days or so. If I focus on the idea, then there is still the feeling of pulling and the lump under my arm and they are pretty much the same as they have been for a long time now, but they have obviously not been concerning me recently.

I think I’ve been so busy doing other things that I just didn’t have a chance to think about them.

Real life will triumph over pain and discomfort in the end!

We were down in the Eastern Free State for work, this time, which, for me, is a completely novel experience, having spent so many holidays on the farm. It has been really fun, actually, to be there under different circumstances. It has also been wonderfully refreshing to drive through such absolutely beautiful and open countryside every day, from Clarens to QwaQwa. I always think that open spaces are good for the soul.

The drive back was mostly along the N3, which is always a different type of drive for me. I prefer to not be on a highway from the point of view of feeling as though this is a road I am negotiating through the country, rather than an efficient transport ‘track’ I am simply travelling along. It was a good drive, though, and it is really good to be home.

The amount of traffic going out of Joburg indicated that there are many people on the move for the long weekend. Why not? It is an opportunity to have a break and get some downtime.

I know that there are many people who would swop Joburg for just about any place else, given the chance and economic opportunity. I’m not sure that I would, which sounds crazy, what with us having the farm and Sedgefield and, even, East London, I suppose.

It’s just that I love Joburg. I’m not sure exactly why, but I do. A lot of it is about home, familiarity and family. Definitely family. If everyone lived elsewhere, I wonder how I would feel.

I do know, though, that I have a little lurch of the heart when I see the skyline of Joburg emerging (through the smog). I’m pretty sure it’s mostly to do with it being ‘home’, but that’s just how it is.

I think I’m also just too practical. If we lived on the farm, say, or in Sedge, then there would be boarding school and university residences involved and I just love being with my kids way too much 🙂

The chemo taste, of course, has been back since yesterday, but I am studiously trying to avoid thinking about it. Maybe, if I do, it will just go away. Or, maybe, I will just be so busy with real life that I just won’t notice it most of the time.

It is a lot better than it has been. I just want it to go now, though!

Time, give it time. Everything, in the end, will heal.




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