Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Tuesday 31st March

David has a saying: “Party too hard, sleep on the beach!”

I think Dani and I discovered a slightly altered version: “Travel too far, sleep on the beach.” We went down to the beach and proceeded to pass out under the boardwalk. So nice. Pleasant in the Autumnal sun and slight breeze, with the sound of the surf in our ears.

We were so passed out, in fact, that we did not see David and Michael when they came down to join us. They never saw us, either, which is not so easily explicable 😉

There is something about the sea that just feeds something in all of us, I think. For some, I suppose it is literal; for others, it is about feeding something deeper and less tangible.

The only really horrible thing is that I am so used to phoning Mum and telling her about East London and the beach when I am here, that I want to do so at regular intervals. It is okay to think that she is here with me and knows all about it, but it is not the same. I want to speak to her.

I truly, truly miss her.

It’s funny how I can run around the beach in a bikini, looking not so slim and trim and not really worry about it. I also have absolutely no sense of looking weird with only one boob. Not that everyone is likely to notice, I reckon.

When I change, it is different. I am not exactly freaked by the sight of the non-boob, but it is still quite upsetting to be reminded of everything a few times a day. And to be reminded that I am, in fact, not normal. And never will be.

On the other hand, though – define ‘normal’ 😉

My kids are very quick to tell me that I am quite strange, usually, so perhaps looking a little different from the norm is not all that unusual, anyway. And not that difficult to deal with. Everyone has their own idiosynchracies. That’s what makes us who we are, I suppose – and makes us all both just human and individual at the same time.

In terms of physical fitness, I seem to be getting back to what I consider to be normal. I went for a run this morning, following my usual route when I’m in Gonubie. I definitely ran both further and faster than I have been able to for a while, so I felt really good. I was conscious that the air down here is different from Joburg and that I will benefit from that, but I still feel much more like normal than I have for a while.

I still have the damn chemo taste, in different strengths during the day, but even that seems (hopefully) to be waning slightly.

It’s just a matter of time, I keep remembering and that, sometimes, there is only one step that can be taken at a time – despite my love of multi-tasking!

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