Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Friday 29th May

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Mum’s funeral – and it all just seems so much more awful today and so not true.

I’ve been sitting watching the DVD of the funeral and looking at pics of Mum on my computer. I want to leap up and go running around, destroying the evidence and screaming that it’s not true, it’s not fair!

I feel disjointed, as though there is something missing that I can never get back.

And there is.

It’s been a hard, hard, year since last May. So much has happened, so many people have been affected.

In some ways that is where the comfort lies – that I have never been alone in any of this, none of us have. In others, that has been where the worst torture lies – seeing those close to me have to go through so much.

That is what makes the cancer thing worse too. I want it to be just about me, I almost wish that it could have been. It’s not fair that everyone else had to suffer because of it. And yet, in my selfishness, I am so glad that I was not alone. Truly, truly “No man is an island…each man’s joy is joy to me, each man’s grief is my own.”

I just miss my mum so much.

I wish she could have been here through the cancer thing, because I needed her so much.

And yet, still, I am so, so grateful that she never had to see her daughter have to go through everything. She would have hated that.


  1. Oupa and Gran says:

    Hlo Jane, We are up-to-date now reading your blogs. I think you are very brave to write all these details. We know much more now than what you have told us. We realise we have not been in regular contact but not a day goes by without thinking about you. You have done exceptionally well and those who read your story must truly be encouraged. You are an inspiration to us all.
    You remain in our prayers as always.
    Lots of love Oupa and Gran

    • Jane Ballot says:

      Thank you so much, Oupa and Gran! I keep on keeping on and keep my chin up. Mum would play it that way and there is really only one thing to do 🙂
      I am so glad you keep me in your prayers. It is having you all around that makes this all so much easier.

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