Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 10th May

Mother’s Day. The first without Mum. The first when I am a mum and not, actually, a daughter.

Nothing stops the feelings, though. Even though Mum is not here in the flesh, Mother’s Day will always also be about her.

Paul and I went to church with Carl and Dale today, then to breakfast. It was very different from anything we’ve ever done with Mum for Mother’s Day, except the going to church part, but it felt as though she was there and it was for her.

I miss my mum so much.

Mother’s Day is about us, the mothers – but it’s also about the children. After all, who else does the ‘spoiling’ of the mummies?

According to me, every day is mother’s day for me – if the special day is supposed to be about spending time with your children and just building that relationship. On the actual ‘Mother’s Day’, I suppose it’s also about letting the kids have fun spoiling mum and doing things for her, specifically.

On the day I found out that I was to have a mastectomy, we went to lunch at a place called ‘Goblin’s Cove’ out near Hekpoort. Sarah was still in France, so we said we would go back there after the cancer thing. I wasn’t quite sure what the actual date would be. We were going to try and go after the last chemo, but real life and commitments got in the way and we’ve just not had the chance to go there.

I had the bright idea during last week to combine Mother’s Day and the cancer visit to go to Goblin’s Cove, so we went for lunch there yesterday. It was so lovely, especially with the six of us being together. A lovely, lovely day, just about me J

I think that I will be sad on Mother’s Day in the future, because of Mum. I will also be glad, though, that on that day I am allowed and supposed to indulge in memories (happy and sad) of my mother and to feel what I need to feel.

I miss her so much, but I always, always celebrate having her as my mother.

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