Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Thursday 21st May

Sometimes you just can’t believe that things actually happened. Despite the pain and discomfort in my side and the absence of my boob, the whole cancer thing seems so remote and surreal.

Despite all the evidence and her absence from our lives, I just cannot believe that Mum has actually gone.

So many sayings seem to be popping into my mind, but, at the moment, just two stand out:

Time heals.

Let the healing begin.

It is true that time does take the edge off things. I’m not so sure about the healing, though. I think it’s just that it’s not quite so present and that’s what makes horrible things seem just that bit better.

They’re not, though, not if they’re truly horrible.

Tomorrow it’s a year since Mum went. This time last year, we were all gearing up to prepare her and ourselves for her big operation and the long recovery that we knew was coming. This year, there’s no op, no recovery, no Mum.

It doesn’t feel any better, just a little distant.

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