Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Wednesday 20th May

Today is Nana’s birthday. I used to give Mum flowers every year on this day. I didn’t last year, because she was in hospital and because I was going to wait until she was at home, recovering from her huge op and would have time to appreciate them.

I never gave them to her.

This time last year, we were planning the bypass and the recovery: Mum would spend the week or two in hospital, then she would go to Daynia’s for however long, then she would go home and Sarah would move in to look after her until she was fit to go back to work.

That was a year ago, when I was still healthy and had two boobs. And a few people were still with us who aren’t any more.

It’s two days to the first anniversary of Mum’s passing and I still cannot actually believe it’s real.

I drove past 55 today and saw the amount of work the new owner is doing. It all seemed as it has to be. I can compute that the house has gone. I just cannot compute that Mum has gone.

I miss her so much that I almost don’t acknowledge it, because it’ll hurt too much to do so.

She went way, way too soon.

I can’t even bring myself to write a really soul-felt poem about how I feel. All that comes to me is almost a ditty, but the hurting is there, inside.

It’s taken just about a year

for me to put in print

How I’ve been feeling

Since you left

And what may even think.

A year’s so long

And yet, so short

The last twelve months have flown

Just two days short

From when you went

And we were left alone.

I’ve missed you more

Each passing day

As life has churned along

Times good and bad

Near-joyful and sad

To live without my mum.



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