Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Saturday 25th July

Sometimes there are days that are just harder than others, that seem to bring up a whole lot of things that just cause upset or anger, during which the tears seem to be not far from the surface.

For me, today was one of those days.

I don’t really know why, but I spent some parts of today either in tears or close to tears. I get like that sometimes, for brief periods. Part of it is that I just missed Mum so very much. I’m not sure why today, as opposed to any other day. It wasn’t a special day in any way: no anniversary, or date with any significance at all. I think it was just one of those times when something triggered a memory and I just thought so much of her.

When I have one of these days, I’m always reminded of Scarlett O’Hara having regular ‘crying jags’ (in Gone With the Wind). I think that sometimes it is necessary just to let go.

I find that, when I am in a little slump like this, I generally feel fat and uncomfortable and it makes me feel resentful of the cancer, because I’m sure the medication is having its own effects and exacerbating what may have happened anyway at my age.

Like breeds like and I think it is a human thing that, when we are feeling down for any reason, other feelings creep to the surface too.

Then I went to gym and for a run later. There is something about just being, just doing, for those moments that brings me back in touch with myself again. I pedalled 5kms at gym, not at a very high effort level, but it was okay. I pounded the street for a while, not very fast and I had to walk at times, but it was great to be out in the sunshine and very cold wind. I think there is something about having the cobwebs (and crying jags) blown out of your head 🙂

I would be inhuman if there weren’t days like today. As Sarah pointed out, because of everything that happened last year right on top of each other, I think I still haven’t had the time to work through it all.

Maybe today was just another moment in that particular process.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *