Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Sunday 19th July

Sometimes you do things that are just completely exhausting and completely satisfying and the greatest, greatest fun.

Today was the annual Potjekos competition at the church. We are involved every year and it is always a grand occasion. It was also something that Mum and Dad enjoyed going to. Partly, it was strange to be there without them. As so many times before in the last just over a year, I had the feeling that Mum was just around the next corner, just in the next door gazebo, just on the other side of the park.

It’s funny, but, in some ways, I have a similar feeling about cancer – as though it may be just ‘over there’. That is really when I’m in a ‘what if’ mood, which doesn’t happen often, at least not consciously. It’s when someone mentions cancer, especially the idea of a recurrence, that a kind of a frisson of awareness registers and I understand how my subconscious has stored the thoughts, feelings and worries.

What makes these feelings come to the surface can differ.

Yesterday, I was talking to Sarah about the mortality-fear I felt when I found out about the cancer. I think this must be an unavoidable reaction anyone has when confronted with this disease / condition. What is interesting is that I felt like bursting into tears while I was talking to Sarah. Sometimes, the depth of my own feelings and reaction surprises me.

I have found out a few times in the last little while that you don’t always know exactly how you feel about something until you react instinctively, or without any thought. When this happens, it makes me aware of how many layers there are within us and that we aren’t even aware that we are functioning on some of them.

Humans are such fascinating creatures. I don’t always compute that I may be as fascinating as the next person – even to myself 🙂

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