Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Monday 24th August

Today I literally drove four out of the five cars we own, for one reason or another. One of the trips was to deliver the Condor for a service. I ran home (for that, read ran most of the way, with bouts of walking in between) and my thoughts turned to this time last year.

Poor little innocent me 😉 If only I had known what was to come.

Perhaps it is better that I didn’t.

My thoughts wandered as thoughts do and I found myself thinking about this whole thing of being fit (or not) and the effects of the chemo. I had a thought of how fit I was this time last year, particularly after the amount of training I had been doing for Polo. In fact, I thought for a moment of what I would feel if I looked at my training diary from last year.

Then I decided that was a bad idea. If the memory of how fit I was and how little I seem to be able to do now relative to that concerns me, then imagine if I was to be able to compare what I (can) do now to actual written evidence of what I was doing? Not a good plan. At least, not one to engender positive feelings towards this cancer thing and the aftermath.

Just as I was having these thoughts, I found my mind wondering if it is really such a bad thing to have to walk at times when I am out running. So what if my body literally cannot keep going at the same pace? Is it so terrible to have to slow down every so often, as long as the continuous movement is forward?

Isn’t life a lot like that? We keep moving at different paces. At times, we are really ‘on a role’ and keep moving quite fast. Then, things happen and life gets in the way and we seem to have times of having to accept doing less and dealing with more. I am thinking so much of 2014, at least from May, when we seemed to be treading water and trying to make sense of what had happened and continued to happen around us, while negotiating real life and doing what had to be done.

And yet, the general movement has continued to be forward.

If life becomes static, or starts moving backwards, then there is something wrong. It is not a bad thing to slow down a little at times. Often, those times are followed by a bit of a helter-skelter run. We all need those times when we go just that much slower and, actually get our breath back, ready for the next downhill run.

My slowing down may be mostly due to the cancer thing and the after-effects, but it is not necessarily a bad thing to have happened.

I can always get myself back to the point where I can literally compete with my own training diary. As I get there, running and walking at times, I will continue to make sure that my overall trajectory is forwards. After all, that is the only way to get anywhere.



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