Jane Ballot

Being me in the world

Tuesday 8th September

I keep thinking about this time last year, especially when I drive near any of the medical facilities I went to with the cancer thing.

A year ago today was when I had the mammogram and the biopsy. That was when I knew for sure that there was something wrong – and I knew intuitively that it would be nasty.

It was also the day I found myself instinctively going to 55 after the biopsy and I felt so close to Mum and Dad.

Now, there’s no longer the option of going to 55. I still know that they are with me, though.

So much has changed in the last year; and yet, it hasn’t. Life seems to go like that: there are many, many things that we go through and that affect us and even change us. At the same time, though, many of the fundamental things stay just the same. It’s all about who we are and how we relate to the world, I think.

I went for a paddle today, which I haven’t done for ages, what with the weather and the play and just so much going on. I managed to do 2kms, with my arms feeling a bit like lead – well, sore lead, as they both began aching.

Talk about feeling like a wus! I am just going to have to go back to paddling regularly!

There is no doubt that the ‘lump under my arm’ feeling was worse after exercise, so there is definitely swelling involved there. That means some more visits to the OT and to learn to manage the swelling.

This thing definitely isn’t over.

I think that’s what I find about this cancer thing: there is so much that just seems to keep on going and reminding you of it all. If it’s not something physical, then it will be psychological.

I’m off to the oncologist tomorrow, so we’ll see what he has to say then.

The steps up might be coming slightly further and further apart, but still the journey continues, one moment, one step at a time.

Ever onward and upward.


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